


'flea' is not a euphemism for 'vampire', mom

by zukoandtheoc



Series: vampire connor vs. vampire hunter jared [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Fleas, Sort of a Crack Fic, The Author Regrets Everything, Written on Impulse, chat fic, connor's a vampire, i cant believe this is my way of introducing this au to the world, i hate fleas and im projecting my suffering onto jared, idk - Freeform, jared's a vampire hunter, more info than you ever needed about fleas, text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 19:40:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14879963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zukoandtheoc/pseuds/zukoandtheoc
Summary: jarebear: i was gonna ask why flea bites itch and vampire bites don’tjarebear: but





	'flea' is not a euphemism for 'vampire', mom

**Author's Note:**

> why did i write this  
> connor's a vampire. jared's a vampire hunter in a family of vampire hunters. they're friends, somehow. don't worry about it. evan's just kinda along for the ride.

jarebear: so this was an actual conversation i had with my mom this morning

jarebear: me: i hate fleas

        her: yea it kinda goes with the occupation

        me: stares at her uncomprehendingly for like a solid minute

        her:

        me:

        her:

        her: oh you meant like actual fleas

jarebear: anyway my cat has fleas which means i have fleas which means i hate my life

connoir: omg

treevan: ,,, rip

treevan: do you have like… flea… reppellent…

connoir: lol

treevan: *repellent

treevan: idk i don’t have pets I don’t know how fleas work

jarebear: I mean sophie’s an indoor-outdoor cat so like, nor m a lly she has a flea collar on

jarebear: but last winter she like. took her flea collar off somehow. and liek since it was winter it wasnt rly a problem

jarebear: so we just. never gave her a new one.

jarebear: but now it’s not winter. and she still doesnt have a flea collar

connoir: r I p

treevan: poor kitty

jarebear: dfsdhsd she is F I N E

jarebear: but i

jarebear: i am not

connoir: try coconut oil

jarebear: ???

connoir: apparently it suffocates fleas ig

connoir: so if u cover ur cat in coconut oil

treevan: is that safe?

connoir: yeah its non toxic or smth

connoir: idfk im just googlin shit

jarebear: oh my god

connoir: apparently theres some acid or smfht that fleas hate in it too

treevan: nice

jarebear: why is it only m e whos getting bit tho

jarebear: no one else in my family is having problems

connoir: prob bc most of ur family takes measures to stop stuff from feeding on their blood

jarebear: sdfklhgGFDLJSHGLSDJK

jarebear: not the same at aLL

treevan: fleas hate garlic

treevan: jk

connoir: no they actually do googgle said so

treevan: omg

jarebear: sdfhgffgjfghs

connoir: cats also hate garlic tho so dont

connoir: dont feed ur cat garlic

jarebear: connor is the googgle master

treevan: googgle

connoir: listen

. . .

jarebear: why do flea bites have to be itchyyy

jarebear: i would b fine with fleas if they didnt make me itchy

jarebear: li ek that would b ok

treevan: isn’t it like, something in their venom that most people are allergic to?

treevan: @connoir googgle master we need you

connoir: not quite but thats the basic idea

connoir: tl;dr their saliva is gross

connoir: also i never in my life wanted to know this much about fleas

jarebear: wait what

jarebear: what did you find

connoir: tl;dr baby fleas eat adult flea poop and that’s why flea bites itch

jarebear: ew

treevan: i have so many questions

jarebear: i was gonna ask why flea bites itch and vampire bites don’t

jarebear: but

connoir: also you can develop immunity to flea bites but only if u have fleas for 18 months

jarebear: fucckkkkk thaaaaat

treevan: omg

connoir: idk don’t ask me how vampire venom works i dont know

treevan: magic

connoir: im not an expert i kinda just live like this

jarebear: speaking of magic

jarebear: do u think alana has any magic anti flea solutions

connoir: idk

treevan: probably

connoir: you can ask her ig

. . .

jarebear: have u ever seen a cat covered in coconut oil

treevan: no

connoir: yea

jarebear: well neither had i… til tonight

jarebear: coconutcat.png

treevan: omg

jarebear: wait connor what the fuck

connoir: zoe rescued a kitten one time

connoir: the kitten had fleas

treevan: aww

jarebear: sophies so mad a t me

connoir: yea they dont like it very much

jarebear: she wont even let me comb her w the flea comb

jarebear: shes just glaring at me

treevan: her fur is all clumped up

jarebear: its covered in COCONUT OIL

jarebear: and now the house smells like coconuts

jarebear: bc shes runnin away every time I try to comb herr

jarebear: and tracking coconut oil thru the whole hosue

connoir: rip

jarebear: im real fuckin lucky that my mom likes coconuts

 

**Author's Note:**

> everything here is a real flea fact that i actually found on googgle  
> http://fleascience.com/flea-encyclopedia/flea-bites/why-do-flea-bites-itch/
> 
> also i have actually seen kittens covered in coconut oil and let me tell you they do not like it at all


End file.
